


but you’ll feel better when you wake up

by niccals



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, this has really graphic depictions of bulimia+anorexia so pls be careful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 11:34:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18445730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niccals/pseuds/niccals
Summary: In which Alex redevelops an eating disorder that very quickly grows out of hand.





	1. один

**Author's Note:**

> okay disclaimer: i was like 5k words in when i found out alex actually did have an eating disorder in the past so i just want to clarify that this story is a work of fiction and i’m not trying to promote that aspect of his life. eating disorders are terrifying and extremely damaging to you and those around you and i would never try to make it seem like anything less.

It was going to be a shit day today. Alex knew immediately what was in store for him the very second his opened his eyes. There was a deep ache rippling through his bones. A numb, hollow feeling blowing throughout his corpse like he was completely void of everything, save for his heart steadily pounding in his chest louder than it should be.

Alex opted to just roll over, tears welling up in his eyes as he dreaded the day ahead. These days were always the worst, when everything would hit him hard and the demons he stored away in the back corners of his mind would come out of their caves to whisper nasty things to him. Then those days were sometimes accompanied by the rampant worried thoughts that flew through his mind at a million kilometers a minute. Alex could only assume today was one of those days by his heart beating against his rib cage like it was trying desperately to escape.

Alex spent the following two hours, right up until 2:00 PM, fading between consciousness and unconsciousness. He’d really planned on staying in bed all day, not wanting to face the world and just trying to skip the day. He wanted to fade into his bedsheets and let his mind clean itself up so he could be better tomorrow. Apparently, though, his good mate, George, had other plans for him. Alex nearly jumped out of his skin when his door slammed open and George waltzed in, puffing out a breath of air.

“Your boyfriend is here. Told me if I wasn’t playing that FIFA with him then you were.” George said, obnoxious and obviously irritated at having his day absolutely destroyed by a match of bloody FIFA.

“My boyfriend?” Alex asked, voice rough and confused, rolling over to face George.

“James.” George said before leaving Alex’s room with the door still wide open. Alex just shook his head, sliding up to lean against the headboard and rubbing his eyes. 

Alex was out of his room, clad in socks and a hoodie, in under two minutes. He made his way into the lounge area where James was sat fiddling with the game and checking his phone every ten seconds. Alex sat down beside James, folding his legs underneath himself and pressing his arm up against James’ in some nonchalant attempt at grounding himself. Because despite being sat on a couch with his best mate, he felt like he was a dragon in a petting zoo. A sad, sad dragon, that is.

“Oh, hello.” James said, chuckling and setting his phone down after feeling Alex sit beside him.

“Hey.” Alex weakly responded back, leaning forward to grab a controller off of the floor before setting back into place beside James.

Alex and James spent a good two hours playing. Alex was mostly silent but still but was still managing to play the games despite how often he lost focus and how he’d have to slow his breathing down every twenty or so minutes. 

James had set his controller down after the eighth match in a row he’d won to look at a notification he’d received on his phone. Alex just leaned his head against James’ shoulder, sinking into the couch and staring into space.

“Alex, Fraser’s just broken the microwave.” James paused after that, sighing in annoyance. “I’ve gotta head back. You can come if you’d like, doesn’t seem like George will be much entertainment.”James nodded towards George’s closed door which, to Alex’s surprise, was emitting noises of what Alex could only assume was George and his girlfriend. Alex made a gagging noise and a disgusted face at James who just raised his eyebrows and laughed.

“Yeah, I’ll come.” Alex agreed, standing up from the couch.

“George as well I reckon.” James responded in a quiet tone, grinning.

“Disgusting, James.” Alex sighed out, shaking his head but smiling nonetheless.

Alex and James left the flat shortly thereafter, Alex having to slip on pants and shoes first and having to tear his gaze away from the mirror before he ruins his day even more. Alex sent a text to George in the cab on the way back to James’ flat that he knew wouldn’t be seen in hours.

Both men had arrived at the flat some fifteen minutes later, Alex following behind James through the building like a lost puppy. James made a beeline for Fraser’s room as soon as he pushed open the front door, Alex trudging a little behind.

“Hello there, homewrecker.” James greeted Fraser who was sat on his bed, innocently.

“Whatever you think a homewrecker is, I am not it.” Fraser replied with a repressed laugh, tilting his head at James.

“-anyways, what the hell have you done to the microwave?” James continued, quirking an eyebrow at Fraser who just sheepishly smiled at James. 

“A bit stupid, I know, but I tried to microwave something I certainly should not have.” Fraser replied, standing up and making his way into the kitchen which James followed suit, then Alex behind all three, not saying a word and feeling slightly out of place.

Upon arriving in the kitchen Alex had to stifle a laugh at the sight. James was gaping at Fraser who was just smiling apologetically.

“How did you manage that?” James gawked, staring at the microwave that didn’t appear to damaged but obviously had some collateral damage upon opening the thing. There were burn marks on the inside, grape plasma smeared on the bottom and not to mention none of the buttons on it would work despite it being plugged in.

“Impulsive science experiment.” Fraser said, staring blankly at the microwave and James.

“With what? A miniature fucking landmine?” James stared at Fraser who just offered a smile and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Grapes, actually.” Fraser replied and attempted to stifle a giggle.

“You microwaved grapes?” James asked, obviously perplexed.

“Well… yeah.” Fraser replied sheepishly, awkwardly coughing.

“Right, okay, well seeing as I am most certainly not going without a microwave because you’ve got the brains of a sodding eleven year old, guess who’s buying us a new microwave?” James intently smiled at Fraser, lips pressed into a firm line, irritated but becoming more and more amused as time passed.

“Now?” Fraser whined, glancing back over at the broken machinery.

“Now.” James confirmed, causing Fraser to groan but comply, leaving the room to get dressed appropriately for the outside world.

Not long after and it was just Alex and James left in the flat. They were both lying on the sofa watching Bolt, Alex curled up into James’ side with his eyes half lidded, trying to stay awake. The credits were rolling sooner than Alex expected, making him wake up just a bit more. James stretched his whole body, dropping his arms down from in the air so that his right arm was resting on Alex’s right side. Alex turned over, sliding his body down so that he was laid across James’ lap, thumb tucked securely between his teeth and staring innocently up at James. Music from the end credits played softly in the background as Alex just stared up at James who smiled back down at him, subconsciously rubbing his thumb on Alex’s side.

“You alright?” James asked suddenly.

“Yeah.” Alex replied in a low voice, still partially asleep from the film.

“You sure? Haven’t heard you talk much today.” James continued on, giving a sort of knowing look to Alex.

“Yeah, just kind of a shit day I guess. Happens.” Alex sighed out, turned on his side and pulling his knees up so that they were pressed against James’ side and his forehead was slightly touching James’ stomach. James just ran his fingers through Alex’s hair, humming out a low noise.

“You hungry?” James asked after several minutes, not even sure Alex was still awake at this point.

“Sure.” Alex mumbled into James’ hoodie, muffled and barely audible.

“Right then, up you go.” James said, maneuvering Alex into a position where he was sitting up cross legged on the sofa beside him. James stood up, heading into the kitchen to fix two sandwiches for him and Alex. He was halfway through making the first one when Alex trudged into the room, not saying a word as he lifted himself up onto the counter beside where James was and silently watching him. 

James didn’t say a word to Alex just as Alex didn’t say a word to James. They both stayed in content silence as James fixed food for them both. Unbeknownst to James, through Alex’s dazed expression, his head was filled with chaos. It was a million disembodied voices from all corners of his mind lashing horrible words at him. The loudest ones to Alex being the ones about the food he was about to consume.

Alex had suffered from an eating disorder since he was 16, going on year four now of trying to manage it himself. It started out as an innocent diet, eating healthy and playing and extra few minutes of football with his mates back in school. That developed into cutting his daily calorie intake in half, but being sure to never miss a round of football or have a run around some track that ended up with him being lightheaded. At 18 years old, Alex’s eating disorder took a turn for the worse. On the days he would eat, he’d began throwing that up. He’d faint at least weekly and was far too insecure and anxious to even think about going out with the friends he still had left, so he opted to doing exercise indoors. He ended up nearly a stone underweight, his bones constantly aching and his skin feeling so disgusting to the touch. He couldn’t run his hands through his hair anymore without clumps falling out and the only food he could force himself to eat without puking up was, at most, five small slices of lettuce. During that same, dark time period Alex also began self harming, though not much and only when he was feeling very down.

Alex ended up visiting a nutritionist the same year after fainting in the bathroom and nearly cutting a gash into his head with the corner of the bathroom counter. He sugar coated his situation when talking to the nutritionist woman, simply telling her that he wasn’t eating enough to properly function. Alex was thankful when she didn’t try to pry much more, just helped him out with the tricky bits. Additionally, he’d completely stopped self harming which he was quite proud of. 

Alex had recovered substantially by the time he was 19 and had moved in with a guy he met online, George. He still had a hard time some weeks forcing himself to eat and not vomiting up his meals, even though sometimes he wasn’t strong enough, but overall he was doing a lot better than he had been. No matter how much his eating habits improved though, he would always feel a sense of deep shame and disgust when looking into his reflection or having anything happen associating with his body.

So, Alex did have a pretty harrowing, yet valid, reason for having his brain yell at him so loudly for just watching a sandwich be made A reason that no one but him could ever know about. Just the stigma around eating disorders . Not to mention that the sheer amount of raw shame he felt every time he was reminded of these past few years was numbing and borderline physically painful. 

“Alex, you there?” James said, suddenly in front of Alex’s face with his face contorted in a sort of worried expression. Alex could only assume he’d zoned out again like the absolute genius he was.

“Yeah, sorry.” Alex responded after a moment of having his brain catch up to present time.

“You sure?” James asked again.

“Yep.” Alex confirmed, not wanting James to pry anymore. Alex slid off the counter, narrowly avoiding slipping on the floor with his socks. James just quirked the corners of his lips up in a small smile for a moment as if to offer Alex sympathy before handing a plate with a sandwich on it to Alex and making his way back into the lounge.

By the time James had fully consumed his food Alex had given up at half of it. Every bite he swallowed down his mind would yell louder at him, calling him names and demanding him not to eat it. By the time he gave up the voices in his head were so loud they were about to spill out of his ears and into the real world. Even after he’d set the food down with intent to not continue eating it his mind just nagged on. It was reminding him of all the calories he just ate, how he was going to become fat. He felt his insides twisting and his brain pounding from consuming food.

“Not hungry?” James asked after a moment, blissfully unaware of Alex’s state.

“Uh, no. I’ll be right back.” Alex rushed out, setting the plate off of his lap and onto a coffee table before swiftly making his way into the bathroom.

Alex locked the door behind him, turning around to face the toilet and immediately dropping to his knees in front of it, bracing his elbows on the seat. This was a one time thing, he was having a bad day and this wouldn’t become a problem after this. It’s just one time, just for today, then never again, Alex reasoned with himself, convincing himself that it was alright to just rid himself of the food once.

It didn’t take long before Alex had two fingers pressing down his throat, head bowed above the bowl, vomiting up the sandwich. It took him five minutes to get it all out, or as much as he could, before he was just dry heaving. Alex flushed the toilet, heading over to the sink to wash off his face. He couldn’t help the stab of shame he felt through his chest when he looked himself in the eyes through his reflection.

Alex returned from the bathroom after washing his face and sat down beside James who was on his laptop now. Alex slipped his phone out from the front pocket of his hoodie, opting to just scroll on social media next to James. Besides, he didn’t think he could dare to have a full fledged conversation with James, or anyone for that matter.

It didn’t take Alex long before he was tired of scrolling aimlessly through social media and draining his phone’s battery. He’d shut off his phone and set it down on the coffee table in front of him before tiredly staring ahead, still feeling dazed and very out of it. Alex was just thankful that he hadn’t had a panic attack since this morning and that the tight feeling in his chest had loosened greatly.

Alex had fallen asleep curled up into James’ side, head resting on James’ shoulder, knees tucked together with his feet on the couch, and his hands stuffed into the pocket of his hoodie with his hood covering a majority of his face. James hadn’t said a word the whole time, just allowed Alex to cuddle close to him and simply continuing to write out a script for his upcoming video.

 

Alex was rudely awoken from his nap by the sound of a door slamming open. He was confused at first, vision blurry and brain struggling to catch up. He was laid on a couch, pillow stuffed under his head and a throw blanket across his legs, meaning that James had left at some point. Alex pulled his knees up further, curling into himself as he heard James and Fraser saying words that just didn’t process in his brain from another room. Again, Alex couldn’t help but feel out of place. And quite guilty to be fair; he was curled up on the sofa while James and Fraser were busy doing something actually productive with their day.

Alex let out a hum he didn’t mean to and just closed his eyes again, trying to go back to sleep. He was almost asleep when he heard his name being mentioned from somewhere where James and Frasers voices were clear enough to understand. Alex kept his eyes shut, eavesdropping on the conversation.

“He’s fine, I think, having a bad day I guess.” Alex heard James reply to what he assumed was Fraser asking how he was.

“Like with his- uh- you know-” Fraser asked, avoiding a word that Alex’s mind easily filled in. He really wasn’t sure why it was such a taboo thing, his depression. It’s not like it’s a rare occurrence, millions of people were depressed.

“Not my business. Might be that, might not.” James responded, obviously understanding what Fraser was awkwardly hinting at.

“He sleeping here tonight then?” Fraser asked, his voice seemingly getting closer as Alex assumed they both walked into the lounge.

“I mean, if he wants.” James responded, silence following between the pair. Alex heard their footsteps make their way over to another sofa in the room, then hearing the TV be switched on and one of the two frantically turn down the volume.

Alex actually managed to fall back asleep after that as he wasn’t too interested in listening to Parks & Rec without being able to actually see or enjoy it. Alex dreamed of mirrors surrounding him, him falling into a pit of mirrors repeatedly, and at the very end of his dream Ron Swanson’s voice streamed through one of the mirrors, confusing him to the point of waking up.

Alex awoke slowly, his eyes immediately flickering to the window that showed it was now dark outside. Alex could only hope that James would let him stay the night as he wasn’t too keen on trying to navigate the English streets at whatever time it was. Surprisingly enough, he wasn’t in the mood to be shanked by some cretin loser hanging out by a dumpster.

Alex stretched his legs and arms outwards, sitting up and immediately tucking his knees up to his chest. He rubbed his eyes and run a hand through his hair before looking up to meet the eyes of James and Fraser both smiling at him.

“Good morning.” Fraser said with a grin.

“Mate, not sure if you’ve had a look outside yet, and not to disappoint, but I don’t think it’s morning anymore.” Alex retorted with a bit of a cheeky smile. Fraser rolled his eyes and smiled, but didn’t comment on it.

Alex’s stomach growled out, embarrassingly audible, making him wince. He hadn’t eaten anything today other than that sandwich which he threw up. Alex could only hope that James or Fraser wouldn’t try to offer him any food as there was no way he’d be able to accept it at this point. His mind was toxic today, filled with tar and loud, horrid words.

“Right, so have you replaced the microwave then?” Alex asked after a few beats of awkward silence. 

“Yeah, nearly broke my finger setting it down though.” Fraser replied.

“I still don’t get that, the thing really wasn’t that heavy.” James huffed out, eyeing Fraser.

“That’s why I’m becoming a gym lad. Be able to bench press you and Alex soon.” Fraser giggled.

“Might need superhuman abilities to bench press me.” James chuckled. “I reckon a few days of being a gym lad and you’ll be able to bench press Alex.” James added on.

“I am not as light as you think I am. Would need at least steroids for that.” Alex commented.

“Alex, you’re pea-sized. A toddler could lift you.” James said with a light laugh.

“Bet. What time is it?” Alex asked, switching topics. James looked down at his watch.

“Ten past eight.” James replied, looking up at Alex expectantly.

“Right, I should be going then. You’ll hear from me if George hasn’t finished up by now.” Alex said, making a disgusted face at the end. He stood up, walking over to where his shoes are.

“If he hasn’t be sure to refer him to a doctor for me.” Fraser said with a giggle. Alex laughed back, shaking his head and slipping his shoes on.

“Right then, I’m off now, bye.” Alex said while leaving the room, hearing Fraser and James tell it back to him in unison.


	2. два

The flat was quiet when Alex returned. He closed the door gently behind him and made his way down the hall, keeping an eye out for George lurking somewhere, as apparently one of his new favorite pastimes was scaring the shit out of Alex for no reason. 

When Alex reached the lounge he saw George’s girlfriend in the kitchen getting a glass of water. He tried not to think about her and George’s ‘activities’ from earlier but to be frank, Alex was a bit scarred.

“Oh, hey, Alex.” George’s girlfriend greeted after turning around to head back to George’s room.

“Hi.” Alex greeted in return before quickly making his way to his bedroom, locking the door behind him. 

Silence was the worst at times like these. On nights when he’d return from having a fun time with his friends, only to be met with the deafening silence of his bedroom. When he was distracted and having fun with his mates, his mind would shut up for the most part. When he was alone, however, the bloody thing would tell him debilitatingly horrible things.

Alex slipped his shoes off and sat on his bed, leaning down to retrieve his laptop from underneath. He popped in his earbuds, scrolling through videos on Youtube that he could maybe make a video about.

It didn’t take long, only a little under an hour, before Alex was bored of just watching videos. He took his earbuds out, closing his laptop and laying down on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Alex heard his stomach growl shortly after laying down, wincing again at the small spike of pain that shot through his stomach. 

I should probably eat, Alex thought to himself. He put both of his hands over his face and sighed out. It was as if his brain had sent every signal to override that one thought of eating, instead filling the empty space around it with thoughts of how bad eating would be for him, how much weight he’s put on, how much weight he will put on. His brain was an absolute hellhole and for that Alex just couldn’t bring himself to move to the pantry for a packet of crackers or something.

This was a slippery slope he was treading on. The whole, ‘not eating but it’s just for one day’ thing was dangerous and Alex knew so. He’d promised himself this though; just one day and then back to eating takeaway and Haribo. Nothing would happen to him and he was going to be okay, he has more self control than he did when he was younger, which is obviously why he fell harder.

Alex didn’t fall asleep easy that night. Despite having laid down at sometime before 10, Alex had managed to fall asleep at 4 AM. His mind wouldn’t just shut up long enough for him to get some decent shuteye, so he’d ended up resorting to working on a new video until around 3 AM. Even then, after having worked so hard for all that time, it took nearly an hour for him to actually go to sleep because his mind was a whirlwind of shit that he wasn’t ready to decipher. Alex wasn’t really looking to have a full on crisis at 3 AM about his appearance or value, believe it or not.

.

The following days didn’t prove things to be improving or even just going back to normal. After the first day in just under a year that Alex had gone without eating, he was determined to do it again. He’d promised himself that yesterday was the only day he would go without any food intake, as he just had felt so shit that day and he could easily pass it off as a relapse of his past eating disorder.

One day without eating anything had turned into two, and two into three. Alex hadn’t been over at James’ for a while, and whether that be because it was just circumstantial or because Alex felt guilty for having had purged while over at his, Alex didn’t know.

Alex remained lively though. He’d laugh and have a great time with his mates. He didn’t need people digging into his emotional health. He’d not been able to mask it once when he was barely 18. His life seemed to be on a downward spiral for a long time, and his mind just spiraled out of control with his depression worsening and his anxiety constantly making a reappearance. He’d ended up forcing himself to go to therapy once he’d gotten to such a low point that he ended up slicing all up and down his forearm and thighs with a razorblade. His flatmates at the time had noticed his quickly deteriorating state, confronting him about it barely two times before just deciding to try and leave Alex to deal with everything all on lonesome; as in they just stopped inviting him to places they were going to as well as not including him when they were all playing games in the lounge or just hanging out together. It wasn’t as if Alex actively tried to be a part of any of it though, he knew how uncomfortable his mental illnesses made people feel and he didn’t want any of them to have to deal with it because it was the shit he had to deal with, not them. It was just unfair to lay that on them like it was their responsibility to check up on him. 

Consequently, Alex was reasonably scared of showing any sort of sign that he wasn’t okay. On his fourth day without any food intake, not including the the food he vomited up, he had fainted after standing up from editing a video he’d managed to film the day before. Lucky for him he didn’t fall hard and was back up in less than a minute. The occurrence brought back old memories, though. The last time he fainted and had decided that’s when he needed help. If this was just the beginning for him now then it honestly scared him for what was to come. 

Alex knew he had to stay determined this time though. His brain was feeding him the messages that the only way he would ever feel okay again was if he was just able to become skinny again. Skinny is beautiful, and Alex knew was neither of those things.

On the third day after Alex had fainted he did end up eating. It was a half-assed salad that was basically just leaves with the smallest bit of dressing. As he ate his stomach roared and scratched for more food, but Alex couldn’t provide that. Even after eating such a small amount of food it took all of Alex’s strength to grip onto his chair, keeping him seated, instead of rushing to the bathroom to try and get the food back out of his system.

All the days merged together; they flew by and Alex had to just go with it. He had to pretend he was completely okay even though he wouldn’t eat or drink for dangerously long periods of time, vomit up most of the food he did eat, and had resorted to exercising in his room a lot more than he should. On a weekly basis Alex would normally consume under 100 calories, vomit nearly half of that up, do around 400 crunches and 600 star jumps daily, and on the odd day that Alex would go out to eat with his mates, he’d pop a couple of laxatives afterwards.

Before Alex knew it, it’d been three months since he had started back on his old ways. He didn’t plan on stopping any time soon, either, not until he was perfect.

Alex had woken up on a Sunday morning, managing to lift himself out of his bed on frail arms, and stumbling over to his mirror. Alex rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, vision still remaining slightly foggy but still enough for him to make out the shape of his body in the mirror. Alex pulled his hoodie over his head, leaving him standing in just his pants. Alex could cry looking into that cursed mirror. All he saw was the extra weight that filled out on his whole body. His stomach and arms and legs were so disgusting he found it hard to look at them, and yet, he just couldn’t look away.

“Hey, Alex, are you-” George pushed Alex’s door open and stopped mid sentence. Alex froze and the same time as George, quickly turning to face George and wrapping his hands around his torso as if to protect himself. Alex watched George’s face twist in confusion, cocking his head a little bit and letting his eyes glaze over.

“...Alex?” George spoke after a long silence, looking into Alex’s eyes, meeting his face of concern and confusion to Alex’s shocked and embarrassed one. “What are you doing?” George forced out. Alex leaned over to pick his discarded hoodie off of the floor, slipping it on and turning to face George again.

“Just getting dressed.” Alex responded in a small voice. George knew Alex wasn’t just getting dressed, and Alex knew that as well.

“Right… well, uh- I just wanted to ask if you were up for coming out to eat with us later. James, Will, Fraser, and I.” George awkwardly said, trying to just ignore the previous situation as if it hadn’t happened, although the scene of seeing Alex so closely inspect his body, that was scarily bony, with a dazed expression washed over his face. George never really thought Alex the type to have any sort of issues with his body, he was always a small fellow like George, standing at barely 5’8 and weighing less than an average 15 year old. Maybe George was just misinterpreting things, though. He honestly hoped he was.

“Er- not sure I feel up to it right now.” Alex said in an almost ashamed tone, breaking eye contact with George to stare awkwardly at the floor.

“Think you should come, mate.” George tried again, feeling the need to persuade Alex into coming out with them tonight. See if anything really was going on that he hadn’t been noticing before is all.

“George-” Alex tried in a pathetic attempt for a protest.

“Alex.” George held eye contact with Alex again, even when Alex kept looking away. “Think it’d be good to get out. Catching up with the others is fun, innit? Come on, Al.” George begged even though he knew either way he was going to force Alex to come.

“Right, sure, okay. Jesus.” Alex agreed in an agitated tone, letting out an annoyed huff of air. George silently fistbumped himself internally for this one. He thought that a night out with the lads would bring him up even just that much more. As much as Alex tried to hide it, it was pretty obvious when the boy wasn’t in a good state of mind.

“I’ll be back in a few, need to get some new filming equipment. No cancelling while I’m gone, understood?” George said.

“Yes, dad.” Alex snarkily replied causing George to make a mocking face at him before closing his door and walking off.

Alex felt his chest immediately tighten when he heard the door click shut. George wasn’t meant to see that. Alex could feel the beginning stages of a panic attack setting into place with his heart beginning to thump in his ears and his chest and throat seizing. Alex stumbled over to his bed, dropping his head into his hands and quietly sobbing as he was forced into a panic attack.

He had ended up gaining control his breathing and had gotten over the attack in nearly 10 minutes flat. After that, Alex decided that he was completely drained, as he laid flat on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Alex hauled himself out of bed shortly after and steadily made his way out of his room, walking around the flat to check that George had actually left. Once it was realized that, yes, George had left, Alex quickly made his way back to his room. 

Alex once again stood in front of his mirror, hoodie stripped from his body as he just stared at himself. He stared in an almost trance-like state at every detail about his body; every mole, every freckle, every strand of hair, every curve, every little thing he thought to be wrong with himself.

He couldn’t tell you how long he was stood there. Apparently, though, long enough to get horrible cramps and get bruises and rashes on his skin from how much he was picking and prodding at it. Alex was only able to stop when he pulled at a particularly tender slab of skin on his hip bone, hissing and closing his eyes, prompting him to recognize the state he’d just been in.

Alex swore he’d never moved so fast in his life, especially considering he was on his own. He’d thrown his hoodie back on his body and curled up in his bed, clicking his phone on to see that, apparently, he’d been stood there for well over an hour. Alex just sighed, shame washing through his body. He closed his eyes, still curled up in a fetal position, body aching, as he tried to will himself to sleep. When his attempts proved unsuccessful and he ended up just laying there with his mind whirring out nasty things to him, suddenly the last thing he wanted to do right then was sleep.

It was only moments later that Alex had dragged a scale from the lounge to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him and staring at it for a moment. Eventually, though, he’d worked up the courage to step on it, of which he nearly regretted. The second he stepped on it, and the numbers started climbing was when Alex was brought back to the mindset he used to be in. How absolutely beaten he was all the time and how long and hard he’d fought to get to a position where he wasn’t doing algebra on the amount of fucking food he’d eat or even just be able to casually check his hair in the mirror without spiralling. All of that, ruined by a bad day, and being resurfaced by ‘58 kg’ blinking up at him from the scale.

Alex stepped off of the scale and kicked it underneath his bed with a huff of irritation. He’d swore to himself only a short while back that he’d never go back to the way he was, yet here Alex stood, after spending the past few weeks vomiting up his food and refusing any other meal intake, so on edge he was about a centimeter away from fully having a breakdown. He’d let his brain become scattered so much so that there were different areas of his head telling him different things all the time. One part would be telling him that he used to weight so much less than 58 kilos while another area would be cursing him for reverting back to his old ways while another area encouraged the idea of going back to that place.

After spending god knows how long wallowing in self pity, once again curled up under his blankets, Alex ended up unknowingly dozing off to sleep. It was some time later when he was ripped from his slumber by the piercing sound of his phone ringing. Alex scrambled to find his phone, not even glancing at the person calling him before answering.

“Hello?” Alex asked into the phone, voice rough with sleep.

“The tube got held up, James is coming to pick you up instead so I’ll meet you lot there.” George spoke, following an annoyed groan.

“Okay. Where is it again?” Alex asked.

“Some Italian place, real nice. I’ve gotta go now.” George answered, obviously focused on something else that wasn’t talking to Alex.

“Okay.” Alex answered, bringing his phone down from his ear to hang up, although George beat him to it. Alex let out a breath, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

Alex realized he hadn’t asked what time James was coming so he just hurried off to have a brisk shower and get ready anyhow. Alex felt a wave of relief wash through his body when, after slipping on his other shoe to complete him getting ready, he heard a knock on the door.

He nearly tripped on his way to the door, as he hadn’t tied his shoelaces like the genius he was, but opened it nonetheless to be met with James smiling down at him.

“Hi.” Alex greeted.

“Hello. You ready?” James asked, apparently cutting straight to the point.

“Yeah.” Alex replied to which James nodded and took a step back from the door to give Alex space to walk past.

Both Alex and James had unanimously decided that it was better to just Uber to the restaurant, less they meet the same fate as George. The Uber was rather quick so the weirdly awkward silence that was held between the two was temporarily forgotten.

“Haven’t seen you in a minute, mate, huh?” James spoke to Alex once they’d both settled in the back of the car and began driving.

“Yeah, just been busy I think.” Alex responded. “Got the pod tomorrow though, haven’t we?” Alex added on, looking over at James who’d been staring at him. For some reason that made him more insecure that it ever had.

“Right on. You been well then? Not too overworked?: James asked, offering a smile to Alex.

“When am I not? Been… fine, though. I guess.” Alex stumbled over his words during that last part, much to his dismay as James immediately cocked an eyebrow.

“You sure?” James asked.

“Yeah.” Alex confirmed with a forced smile. James just nodded, and it was obvious he knew something was off, yet he decided to keep quiet.

“How’s about you then.” Alex turned the question on James.

“Yeah, been great. I’m doing a lot better over the girlfriend thing, actually. Been oddly happy these past few days.” James replied.

“That right?” Alex asked with a slight smile.

“Yep, ‘course.” James confirmed and smiled back. Seeing James was happy now managed to make him that bit brighter. “You been seeing anyone, then?” James inquiried.

“Nah, mate. Trust me, you’d be the first to know. Although, I did have a bit of a sexuality crisis the other day.” Alex gave a laugh.

“And the verdict is?” James egged Alex to continue.

“Bi, still. I’m actually a lot more interested in blokes now, though, so if I end up dating someone it’ll probably be a guy. Not that it matter.” Alex told James who just nodded.

“That’s cool.” James commented.

“Yeah. Don’t think I’m gonna go public with it.” Alex said, sliding down in his seat to stare up at the roof of the car instead of uncomfortably trying to keep eye contact with James.

“Speaking of that, have you got your next video? It’s nearly been two weeks since you uploaded.” James asked, taking on a more questioning tone as if he knew something was up. Alex was desperate to hide that and somehow the video thing had slipped right past him.

“No- yeah- well, I haven’t but I’ve got everything ready for another one. Just been busy with other stuff.” Alex responded, stumbling over his words a bit. It was the closest thing to covering his own ass he could get. James just cocked an eyebrow again but didn’t push it farther, opting to just chat about other things for the remainder of their ride.

It was quite a bit until they’d actually arrived at the restaurant. Alex and James had made their way inside, finding the booth that held Will and Fraser happily chatting away over some bread rolls. The two seated men greeted Alex and James, who reciprocated the gesture, and had a seat, Alex sat between Will and James while Fraser sat on the opposite side of Will.

George arrived only a few minutes later, obviously disgruntled and slightly out of breath. George quickly sat down on the outside seat beside James, pulling out his phone for a moment before shoving it back in the pocket of his hoodie.

“Never taking the tube again.” George groaned, laying his elbows on the table and looking up at the rest of the group.

“Hello to you too then.” James chuckled, to which George gave a quick, snarky smile back to him in response.

The group kept a steady, easily flowing conversation going until a waitress came by to take their orders. Alex was the last to order and, not wanting to raise concern but also not wanting to eat unnecessarily, had opted for a salad and buttered noodles with a glass of water. Of course, Alex was fully aware that he wouldn’t be keeping his food down for long. When he ordered he was given strange looks by his mates as he’d never ordered anything even remotely similar to that in any situation. Usually he would order a platter of some obnoxious pasta followed by scoffing it down like he was trying to break some record.

While everyone around knew it was an odd order, they didn’t say anything about it. They just continued on chatting amongst themselves until the food arrived a good 15 or so minutes later.

Alex had never felt more awkward trying to consume food in his entire life. While everyone around him was scarfing down their food and attempting to hold conversation with their mouths full of food, as gross as that was, Alex was still mindlessly prodding at a noodle on his plate with a fork. An an attempt to not only distract himself from the food in front of him, but also distract everyone else away from the fact that he wasn’t eating, he just joined in on the conversation, stretching out points and stories and being just that little bit too loud.

Will had ended up pointing out how Alex hadn’t consumed any of his meal, to which James just looked over with a hint of concern present on his face. Alex cursed Will under his breath, mumbling out some excuse that he’d just forgotten. The conversation was quieter after that. Alex picked at his meal and tried his best not to gag as he had to force himself to swallow his food. With James’ eyes now glancing over at him every few seconds, obviously a bit concerned at Alex’s lack of appetite, the youngest felt obligated to eat as much of his food as he could, as he didn’t want to cause any suspicion. Alex ended up eating all of his buttered noodles and about half of his salad, which caused James to look a bit relieved and stop trying to watch over Alex like he was his mother.

When Alex decided he was finished he immediately felt that all too familiar sense of shame wash over him. He could feel the food in his stomach practically seeping into his body and forming fat all over him. As much as he tried to wash away the taste of food from his mouth with gulps of water, it just wouldn’t go away and Alex was beginning to get a bit panicky.

Alex promptly announced he was going to the loo, not giving anyone a chance to get out of their seats to let him out, but instead just crawling over Will and Fraser, who just let out a laugh and an awkward ‘okay then’. Alex made a beeline for the restrooms as soon as he was stood upright once again, trying his best not to fully sprint through the restaurant.

The restroom was empty when Alex entered. No one at the urinals or in the stalls. He just thanked his luck and quickly made his way into a stall.

Dropping to his knees in front of the toilet, Alex rolled up his sleeves and grimaced at the grim smell of the toilet from near the floor. He ignored the odor and took a deep breath, staring into the toilet bowl for a split second before urgently shoving two of his fingers down his throat, teeth painfully scraping his knuckles. The first few times Alex pressed his fingers down his throat he ended up just gagging, but on the fourth or so try he got something, and the contents of his stomach were emptied into the toilet. 

Alex pressed deeper, provoking another involuntary jerk of his body as he vomited up more into the toilet. Alex decided he was finished after dry heaving a few times when he’d finished actually vomiting. He sat, out of breath and tired, against the bathroom stall for a few moments before deciding to head back out to the group as he’d been gone for well over 10 minutes and was probably raising some concern.

What Alex was not expecting when he opened that door was James to be standing against the wall directly in front of him, arms crossed over his chest and foot tapping. Alex immediately paled as soon as he made eye contact with James. He was frozen in a state of shock, staring up at the man while his mouth went dry and his heart sank. From the look on James’ face Alex could tell he knew what was happening and either Alex was about to come clean or he had to figure out a way to get out of this.

“Alex.” James said, tone of his voice making Alex well aware that he was not in a happy mood. James stepped stepped forwards, placing his hands on Alex’s shoulders and crouching down to make direct eye contact with the boy. “You wanna tell me what’s going on?”


	3. три

“Just- er- got… ill.” Alex mumbled out, breaking eye contact with James to stare down at the floor in shame.

“Is that right?” James questioned, his voice still implying he didn’t believe Alex. Alex had no other choice but to stick with his story, so he just nodded in response to James.

“Yeah.” Alex mumbled out, quietly.

“You know I’m quite a bit taller than these doors, right? Alex, love, I could see you.” James informed Alex, his tone going soft at the end part. Alex didn’t reply to that, just kept staring at the floor with his heart in his throat and overall unable to form words. His mind was just chanting a mantra of how stupid he was and that he was done for.

“Look at me, Alex.” James gently demanding, using his index finger to guide Alex’s head to face his own. Alex’s eyes were wide and brimmed with tears, face flushed over impossibly pale skin. “Have you been making yourself throw up? Yes or no.” James told Alex who looked like he was a centimeter away from breaking down.

“No.” Alex pathetically insisted. It was then that he knew he’d lost; he’d been found out and now everything was going to be ruined.

“Have you not seen yourself? Alex, it’s pretty fucking obvious there’s something wrong.” James replied passive aggressively. Alex didn’t say anything, just chewed on his bottom lip and once again looked away from James to stare at the floor, defeated.

“It’s fine.” Alex pleaded pathetically, not even believing himself at this point.

“Fuck’s sake, I don’t mean to get mad, but just look at the state of you!” James argued back. “Look, you’ve got two hoodies on and it’s like 21 degrees out there. None of the others are even wearing hoodies. And-” James pauses, running his fingers through Alex’s hair and showing Alex the large amount of hair that just fell out into his hand. “-yeah, your hair’s falling out as well.” James finished. Both men just stood in silence while Alex fought back tears and kept intense eye contact with the floor.

“Look, Alex, I used to have an eating disorder. Some of my best mates have had eating disorders, I know what they look like and I know what happens. I don’t know how long this has been going on for but I know you don’t deserve to go through this at all. You can get through this, okay?” James went from crouching down to squatting, like a mother giving her child advice, and held Alex’s hands in his, keeping eye contact that Alex would break every so often.

“I don’t- I’m not ill.” Alex pleaded and it was just shared knowledge that neither of them believed that, yet, Alex still felt as though if he kept saying it that it would somehow magically come true.

“No, Alex, love, listen to me, yeah? You are ill. We’ll talk more later but you’ve been gone for nearly 15 minutes now so we should go back.” James said.

“You aren’t gonna tell the others are you?” Alex asked, suddenly feeling a bit more worried, somehow, than he had been previously.

“I’m doing what’s best for you right now.” James replied with a sigh, standing back up so that Alex had to look up at him again.

“What’s that mean?” Alex asked, distressed.

“It means exactly what I said. Oh, and you’re sleeping over at mine and Fraser’s tonight.” James informed, already making his way out of the bathroom with Alex following close behind. Alex didn’t question James further, just silently walked with the man.

Upon arriving back at the table the two men were both bombarded with questions about why they were taking so long, to which they both just brushed off. After splitting the bill, they’d all gathered outside the front doors of the restaurant for a few minutes to chat for a moment before all going their separate ways.

“Fraser, mate, can I talk to you for a second?” James asked lowly to Fraser who just nodded and followed James to a few feet away from the rest of their group.

“Yeah?” Fraser asked.

“Alex is sleeping over at ours tonight so I’ll need you to take him back home.” James told Fraser.

“What? Did something happen? And why do I have to do it?” Fraser fired questions at James, confusion painting his features.

“I’ll tell you later, but please just trust me when I say that it’s important.” James responded, keeping his words vague. Fraser seemed confused still, but just nodded in response to James.

“Sure.” Fraser agreed, taking his phone out and ordering an Uber before heading over to Alex, which James followed since they were over near the rest of their friends anyway.

“You’re sleeping over apparently so I’ve got an Uber on the way. He’ll be here in like two minutes so wrap it up, pumpkin.” Fraser told Alex who just pulled a face and chuckled at the pet name. James remained on the sidelines in silence, not joining in on much of the conversation.

Just as Fraser had warned, the Uber had arrived very shortly thereafter, to which Alex and Fraser waved everyone off. James didn’t miss the look Alex gave him when he glanced back; sad and desperate. He ignored it though, knowing that what he was doing would only help Alex, no matter how much he was going to hate it.

“Hey, there’s something I need to talk to you lot about. Like, really important.” James butted into the conversation suddenly.

“You’ve lost your virginity?” George teased with a sly grin. Will giggled and James just gave a light chuckle in response.

“Actually- um, I’m almost certain Alex has an eating disorder.” James said, finding it incredibly difficult to force the words out.

“Oh fuck.” George mumbled, eyes going wide.

“What?” Will asked at the same time as George spoke, his eyes going impossibly wide as well as he just stood with his mouth slightly agape.

“In the bathroom earlier he was making himself throw up. I don’t know how bad it is, though. I don’t really know much about it at all, actually.” James elaborated.

“You gonna talk to him?” Will asked.

“Yeah. Tomorrow.” James replied.

“That’s why Alex has gone to sleep over at yours tonight then?” George assured. James nodded.

“Has he just got the throwing up thing?” Will asked, still looking like he’d just watched his dog get hit by a car.

“I really wish I knew, but I don’t. Definitely has some form of eating problem, though.” James answered. Will just looked down and away, eyes distant.

“Will he be okay?” Will asked in a gentle, sad voice, eyes looking down. James felt his heart crack right down the middle upon hearing that.

“Surely.” James answered, weakly smiling at Will even though he wasn’t looking back at him.

“What a night.” George softly laughed, followed by Will and George laughing as well.

“Think I’m gonna be heading home now, so goodbye to you lot.” James announced.

“Okay, yeah, me too.” George responded.

“Oh, James, you’ll let me know how he’s doing, yeah?” Will asked, to which James nodded before turning around and walking to where he’d ordered an Uber hours before.

When James arrived home Alex had already fallen asleep on the sofa. James had quietly made his way past Alex and into Fraser’s room. There, James had to go through the process of explaining what’s going on with Alex to Fraser, who had gone pale at the revelation, desperately trying to understand. James felt guilty for ending the night on such a negative note for him and everyone else but decided that it was for the greater good.

.

The following morning wasn’t any easier than James anticipated. He’d gotten out of bed and instantly made his way into the lounge where Alex was still curled up on the sofa. Fraser was finishing up making a cup of coffee and just nodded to James as he went back into his room. James made his way over to Alex, squatting down and watching him for a moment as he slept, contemplating whether or not he should let Alex sleep in more. James decided that it was already late enough, 11 AM, and Alex was probably going to sleep in until three knowing him. James was doing him a favor.

James only had to push Alex’s shoulder a few times to get him to wake up, earning a tired whine and a displeased look from Alex as he struggled to open his eyes. Alex’s eyes rolled shut again so James called his name, making the younger jump and open his eyes, staring at James.

“What?” Alex asked, disgruntled and wanting nothing more than to just sleep.

“It’s regular-people-wake-up-time.” James said, Alex just whined again and shut his eyes, taking a breath in through his nose.

“I’m not regular people.” Alex mumbled, burying his head into the inside of his elbow.

“But you are on my couch, mate.” James reminded Alex with a chuckle. Alex just sighed out, pushing himself up into a criss cross position and rubbing his eyes.

“I hate you.” Alex complained and met James’ eyes.

“Outstanding. How do you feel about breakfast?” James asked suddenly. Alex tensed up and tore his eyes away from James’ to stare down instead. Alex felt more awake all of the sudden. 

“Er- I don’t-“ Alex stuttered, feeling ashamed.

“You don’t eat breakfast? Yeah, I noticed, Al.” James finished with a sigh and a sad smile. “How about lunch then?” James tried again.

“No.” Alex murmured, still looking down at the couch as if it owed him something.

“It’s one or the other, love.” James told Alex in a serious tone. Alex hunched his shoulders and looked back up at James with pleading eyes.

“I’m not having either.” Alex bit back with a hint of irritation in his voice.

“You’re having something or you’re going to the hospital.” James raised his voice, making Alex flinch, a sense of panic washing over his face.

“Don’t- James, please.” Alex begged.

“I’m sorry, really, but if you want to do this at home you’re going to have to cooperate. It’s that or a hospital room.” James restated, still making harsh eye contact with Alex who seemed to now be in a state of distress.

“Alright- god- I’ll have breakfast?” Alex complied, uncertainty still filtering through his voice.

“Well on you. Stay here then, I’ll be back.” James smiled at Alex, who was chewing his bottom lip into his mouth, and made his way into the kitchen.

James returned back into the lounge a few minutes later, holding a plate with a slice of toast and scrambled eggs on it. Alex grimaced at the sight but held his neutral expression as James sat down beside him. He handed the plate to Alex who set it down in his lap and just stared at it blankly.

“Alex.” James said, prompting Alex to look up at him silently. “Eat.” James urged, nodding his head down towards the food.

“James...” Alex whined, looking at James with a pleading expression, silently begging James to just let him not eat.

“Eat it, Alex. I’m not asking much.” James urged Alex again, this time becoming just that bit more desperate. 

“You are, though.” Alex whined once again, subconsciously sticking out his bottom lip, giving him that kicked puppy look. James ignored it though, Alex wasn’t thinking right and James had to make the decisions.

“I’m not. You don’t have to eat all of it, just some.” James sternly told Alex, making firm eye contact. Alex just huffed out a breath, crossing his arms and furrowing his brows at the plate.

“How many calories?” Alex asked after a few beats of silence.

“Doesn’t matter.” James instantly responded. Alex didn’t say anything after that, just continued to stare down at the food.

Time passed as Alex continued to refuse the food. It’d gone from five minutes, to ten, to twenty, and then thirty. By then, James didn’t want to admit it, but he really was becoming agitated despite him trying to convince himself that it wasn’t Alex’s fault, it was the his shitty brain. 

“Right, how about we settle on a just a bite of eggs, hm?” James bargained. Previously, they’d spent several minutes arguing on cutting down the amount that Alex needed to eat, yet nothing seemed to be good enough for him yet.

“One?” Alex confirmed to which James nodded. Alex looked back down and sighed. “Okay.” He said quietly. James watched in relief as Alex ate him just a small portion of his eggs. He almost threw the plate onto the floor after he swallowed.

“Finished.” Alex smiled at James for a moment before turning his attention back on the plate he’d just set down. To be completely honest, it looked like it hadn’t been touched at all, but James just had to remind himself that progress is progress.

“Good, yeah. Well on you.” James applauded the younger.

Alex left James and Fraser’s flat shortly thereafter to begin his walk home, which he’d began to enjoy more because the more walking he did meant the more calories he’d burn. He arrived back at his flat barely any later than 1 PM, already tired out from his earlier debacle with James.

Upon arriving home, Alex only got a few meters into the apartment, calling to George to tell him he was home, before he was nearly knocked off his feet by a pair of arms around him. Alex yelped at the surprising contact as he only had seconds to process the steadily increasing footsteps coming from the hall before George was hugging him. Alex ended up wrapping his arms around George as well, and very awkwardly he might add.

George released the embrace he caught Alex in after several drawn out moments. Alex looked down at George afterwards, not saying a word. He realized then that James had probably told George about his issue, as that’d be why Alex was being welcomed home with a hug instead of fist to his shoulder.

“Hello then.” Alex giggled after they’d broken apart.

“You know I love you, mate? So much.” George assured Alex.

“Yeah.” Alex replied, a faint smile still barely lingering on his face.

“Well, I was filming a video, so I should get back on that. You should, too, you know. Seeing as your upload schedule has been utter shit recently, no offense.” George said after a beat of awkward silence. Alex nodded in consideration.

“Yeah, I guess.” Alex replied, watching as George sauntered off into his bedroom again. Alex sighed and made his way into his bedroom as well. He flopped down on his bed, turning the music in his ears as loud as they could go in an attempt to shut the approaching nasty thoughts out of his head.

An hour had passed and Alex decided to be productive. He was in the middle of revising a script he’d drafted weeks before when he heard a knock on his door.

“Yeah?” Alex called, sliding his headphones off of his ears and down to his neck. Alex watched as his door opened and George walked in, closing it behind him.

“Hey, so I- uh- I just had a chat with James.” George told Alex in a hesitant tone, scratching the back of his head. Alex bit his lip, glancing down at the floor and away from George for a moment.

“Yeah?” Alex murmured back, egging George to continue on even if that’s the last thing he wanted right now.

“Why- I don’t- you’re great, Alex, what are you doing?” George struggled to get the words out through his wobbly voice that he was trying to repress. Alex could feel his heart begin to steadily pound. It was moments like these that made him ever regret being insecure or having this stupid eating disorder, even if he knew deep down that he wasn’t in control of that, or just barely had any control in general.

“I’m sorry.” Was all Alex could force out of his throat that seemed to be trying to close in on itself. Alex swallowed and began tapping his fingers with nerves.

“I know.” George paused for a moment, thinking. “There’s gonna have to be rules now, Alex.”

“Rules? What? Why?” Alex questioned, eyebrows furrowing together in confusion.

“Because you’re fucking ill, Al. We’re going to have to set some ground rules if you don’t want to be stuck in a drab little hospital room instead of here.” George spoke more confidently. Alex’s face shifted from confusion to worry, looking at George with scared eyes.

“Did James tell you that?” Alex asked, a hint of bitterness now clear in his voice.

“Does it matter?” George asked back, replicating Alex’s tone. Alex just huffed out like an upset toddler. “Right, I need you to listen. And stop acting like I’ve kicked you.” George demanded again, Alex let out another huff in spite but dropped his attitude anyways.

“Right then, first thing: eating. Minimum two meals a day.” George began, narrowly avoiding being cut off by Alex.

“Two meals?” Alex spluttered. “I didn’t even eat like that before all of this.” Alex shook his head, mind beginning to race at the decision he was going to have to make.

“James said three, and I’m going easy on you, so don’t be pissy about it and just listen.” George scolded Alex who just closed his mouth and looking at George in defeat. “Second, when you eat no going to the loo for at least half an hour. Last, and I don’t know if this is one of your things, but none of that excessive exercise bullshit like nine million star jumps a day.” George finished. Alex was noticeably uncomfortable from having to talk about this.

“That’s shit.” Alex grumbled but George ignored him.

“Oh well. I’m off now then.” George finished, giving Alex a pat on the back before standing up. Alex silently watched as George exited the room, giving the other time to get a far enough distance away from the door so that Alex could scramble to lock it without causing any more concern.

Once the door was locked Alex just felt a sense of shame wash over him. He felt guilty for having to put George under so much stress all because he was insecure. Alex had double checked his door was really locked before making his way over to his body length mirror, staring into it for a few moments, his eyes trailing over his clothed body. Article by article, Alex began removing his clothing in order to get a better look at his body. It was always an odd experience when he’d do things like this. It was always that he’d look in the mirror and see a bloated body, finding every little thing to be wrong and have it be pronounced even more. Then he’d look down, away from the mirror, and with his own eyes to see his stomach which seemed flat, almost caved in. Alex didn’t know which one was lying, his eyes or the mirror, but he was damn sure that he would have to lose more weight in order to fix them both. A lot less weight.

He was unsure of how long he’d been standing in the mirror. It was long enough, though, that he nearly had a heart attack out of surprise when he heard a knock on his door. Alex quickly grabbed a hoodie and slipped it on, not bothering with pants. He just stared at the door when he was clothed, waiting for something else to come.

“Alex?” George called through the door.

“Yeah?” Alex called back.

“Can you watch over this video please?” George asked. Alex let out a sigh of relief, glad that George wasn’t coming to check up on his emotional well-being.

“Sure.” Alex agreed, unlocking the door to let George in. George handed him his laptop and Alex perched himself on the edge of his bed with it while George stood patiently beside him.

Alex watched through the video, making comments here and there and teasing George about things he said. The video was over soon and Alex provided feedback to George who just nodded. George went to go leave but stopped near the door, turning around to look at Alex.

“Is a sandwich fine for dinner?” George asked. Alex didn’t like the idea of having to eat that, but nodded anyway. George left after that. Alex glared over at his mirror, getting up to throw a blanket over it. He spent the rest of his afternoon recording for a long overdue video.

George came into Alex’s room at around seven with two plates, one with just a cucumber sandwich on it and the other with a BLT and crisps. George sat down in front of Alex on his bed, setting the cucumber sandwich plate in front of the younger. George took a bite of his food and looked up at Alex, silently nodding towards the latter’s plate. Alex’s heart began to beat harder in his chest, a familiar feeling of panic beginning to arise in his chest and head. The longer George stared, the longer Alex was left to grow more anxious.

“Eat, Alex.” George adjured, making direct eye contact with Alex. Alex didn’t respond, just began to tap his fingers in a faster rhythm on his thigh, glancing down at his plate and then back up at George. His head was at war, one half screaming at him to not eat that sandwich, reminding him of what it’ll do to him; the other side of his brain was biting back, rationalising the situation and yelling at Alex that he needed to eat or else he’d be put in a ward.

“If you aren’t going to eat I’m gonna have to get James.” George threatened, borderline desperate to get Alex to eat least take a few bites. Alex’s face grew hot and he just stared at the food on his lap, fingers tapping an uneven rhythm as he tried to sort out the thoughts in his brain to no avail. He decided the last straw was George having to call James, and Alex, without any second thoughts, whisked the food off his plate and took a single bite, dropping it back down and looking up at George with a challenging glare.

“Is that it?” George asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I ate, George.” Alex complained.

“Not nearly enough.” George admonished.

“Of fucking course it isn’t. I’ll eat tomorrow.” Alex attempted compromisation. George chewed on his lip, clearly thinking.

“You promise?” George asked. Alex nodded even though he himself didn’t believe he would. George just let out a little ‘hmph’ of approval, grabbing his plate and leaving Alex’s room without another word. Alex just felt shitty about doing that to George. Although, he was proud of himself for avoiding dinner.


	4. четыре

The following day was not any better. For starters, Alex had stayed up until 8 AM working on his video. Then, after he’d finally managed to will himself to sleep at some 9 AM, he got a call from James checking up on him. Alex didn’t question why James was up so early, just decided to go along with whatever James said even though only a portion of the things he said only kind of processed through his half asleep brain. He’d officially woken up at nearly 4 PM to which he just laid in bed for probably two hours straight doing fuck all on his phone.

It was when Alex had finally hauled himself out of bed and over to the space where his computer was so he could finish editing that the oh-so-familiar cramps began. It was like someone had stuck a dagger through his stomach and up his sternum. The pain caused Alex to curl his toes, body curling in on itself, eyes squeezed shut and hands wrapped around his torso, fingernails digging into his stomach in some weak attempt to get rid of the pain. The hunger pang would fade so much quicker than it had come and Alex would be left afterwards in a hazy state, wondering just how much pain had just soared throughout his body to make him have a reaction like that.

The hunger pangs were nearly unbearable but Alex knew that they were just obstacles he’d have to bypass in order to reach his goal of becoming even smaller than he was now. He just wanted skin and bones; he wanted to be slim. He couldn’t be slim if he ate so much food. Therefor, food was the enemy and it was not worth putting that shite in his body just to lessen some manageable hunger pangs that came around every so often.

Alex didn’t even recognize it when George entered the room. He was in the midst of a really bad hunger pang. He was curled up in a fetal position his his chair, head buried in his knees and his arms gripping his stomach in pain, all while he struggled to hold back tears. It took about twenty seconds before it went away, which was more than twice the amount of time they usually lasted. Alex only realized that George had come in the room when his chair was being spun around just as the pang began to fade away and Alex relaxed his muscles and instead of meeting the wall opposite him he met eyes with George. Alex yelped and nearly fell out of his chair.

“Are you okay?” George asked, face painted with concern.

“Yeah- just… cramp.” Alex stuttered out, feeling an ache beat throughout his chest every time he spoke. George continued looking at Alex with a worried expression.

“You need food.” George stated. Alex feverently shook his head.

“I don’t, not right now. I’m fine.” Alex assured. George’s expression didn’t change. Alex knew his facade was faltering.

“Alex… you aren’t fine.” George stated again. He suddenly turned around and sprinted out of the room, only to return a moment later with a takeout box of rice, carrots and broccoli. He shoved the box in front of Alex, staring Alex dead in the eyes with an expectant look.

“I can’t eat this.” Alex spoke up, looking from the box and over to George.

“Yes you can. You have to.” George commanded. Alex’s leg began subconsciously bouncing as anxiety began to spread throughout his chest.

“You don’t get it. I can’t.” Alex reaffirmed.

“You kind of fucking have to, mate. You’re going to die. When’s the last time you ate a proper meal without spewing it out?” George accused. Alex hunched his shoulders, not daring to look over at George.

“I don’t know.” Alex spoke lowly.

“Exactly! Eat the food. Now, Al.” George demanded once again. Alex just shook his head in a vulnerable yet confident fashion.

“I’m not going to.” Alex said again. He had already completely made up his mind and set in stone that he absolutely would not be eating that food or any other piece of food for that matter.

“Then I’m gonna have to call James.” George threatened. Alex held his ground, arms still crossed as he stared down at his food.

“Then do it.” Alex challenged. Alex heard George sigh, not looking up as George pulled his phone out and began having a conversation, with who he could only assume was James, a few moments later. 

“Stay right there and don’t you move.” George demanded after he’d finished up his call, walking out of Alex’s room. Alex was just left in silence and anticipation. He decided to go lie on his bed while he awaiting something else; maybe James to enter to room and force a spoon of rice down his throat.

Alex didn’t know how long he had been staring up at the ceiling but eventually he was napped out of his trance by a familiar voice.

“Alex?” James called from the doorway, approaching Alex with George following behind him. Alex leaned his head up to look at James, dropping it back down after making eye contact and groaning.

“What?” Alex groaned, although he completely knew what James was there for.

“You have to eat, hun.” James told Alex. He glanced at the styrofoam box, assuming that was Alex’s before looking over at George just to make sure, to which he nodded. James brought the box over to Alex, sitting cross legged beside the younger.

“No. ‘m not hungry.” Alex said, avoiding looking at James while he continued to stare intently up at the ceiling. Then, as if on queue, Alex’s stomach was pierced with a harsh hunger pang, crawling up his sternum and swirling around in his stomach. Alex winced, sucking in a breath, and involuntarily curled in on himself a little. The rumble from his stomach was audible to everyone in the room.

“Yeah, not hungry are you?” James accused Alex. Alex stayed silent as he was at a loss for excuses or words in general. He couldn’t cover his tracks, all he could do now was just refuse the food until, eventually, they gave up. “You do realize I’m not leaving unless you eat at least a third of that, right?” James told Alex. Alex shook his head.

“You need to eat something, Alex. You’re literally going to fucking die.” George warned, making himself present in the conversation again.

“You’re going to eat voluntarily or we’re doing it the hard way.” James threatened Alex. Alex was scared shitless by that, but stood his ground anyhow. 

“I’m not eating. You don’t get it, if I eat that food it’ll make me fat.” Alex attempted rationalizing through a twisted mindset. Obviously, neither of the opposing two men were convinced by that.

James didn’t say anything in response to that as he set his hands on Alex’s shoulders and pulled him up, which was surprisingly easy. James’ first thought was just how little Alex had to weigh for James to feel like he was holding up an eight year old. James rubbed Alex’s back for comfort as he went to bring a spoon of rice closer to the younger male. James could only be deeply disturbed by Alex’s sharply protruding spine, feeling like it was on the outside of his skin instead of the inside. 

Alex pursed his lips tightly together in response to James holding that spoon of food up to him. Alex could gag from how close the food was to him. His heart did begin pounding when his brain began to entertain the horrid thought of ingesting that food. Alex grimaced, promising himself that he would refuse every attempt James made to make him eat the food.

“Alex, please don’t make me do this.” James pleaded as Alex continued to rapidly shake his head at the food. Alex didn’t crack though, he continued on refusing the food, as it was the only thing that made sense to him. James sighed in disappointment, waving George over.

“Tell Will to come upstairs.” James whispered into George’s ear, who nodded in response. George nodded, near running out of the room to go and call Will up. George had a faint idea of what they were going to have to do in order to get Alex to eat, but he could only hope it wasn’t too traumatizing.

George came back with Will following behind him a few minutes later. George entered the room first and Will came in after, immediately looking at Alex who was sat beside James silently.

“What’s this then?” Will looked at James. James waved Will and George over.

“Alex, here’s your last chance.” James warned. Alex stayed still, pressing his lips tightly together and glaring down at the bed. Alex heard James sigh, then a hand on his jaw. “Open.” James demanded. Alex made eye contact with James but kept his mouth firmly shut.

James grabbed Alex’s chin, forcing it downwards so his mouth was open. Alex, having been put in a state of panic, began thrashing. Alex only managed to get as far as kicking James on his thigh before he was being held down by more pairs of hands. Someone was holding his arms to the bed, another pinning his legs down by sitting on them, and James above him forcing his jaw back open.

Alex screamed and attempted thrashing more. He was limited in his range of movement as he was being physically restrained. For someone as weak as Alex, especially considering how much muscle mass he’d lost, when he was in distress he was actually pretty strong. George and Will had to use most of their strength just to hold Alex down while James was forcing food into his mouth. George and Will could agree that it was borderline painful to watch; their best mate with tears streaming down his face, having to be restrained in order to be force fed just so he wouldn’t die.

Everything was over in ten minutes tops. James had decided Alex had had enough, George and Will’s muscles were aching, and Alex was laying lax and trembling on the bed. It was over with though, and Alex couldn’t be more relieved. His skin was crawling and his brain was pounding curses at him from eating the food but he knew there was no way he was purging right then.

When Alex was released from everyone’s grip he laid still at first, too tired to move and trying to regulate his breathing. His senses came back to him though, and he felt a surge of panic wash through him and he shot up, much to the surprise of the others. Alex held himself against a wall, just staring like a deer in headlights.

“Alex…” Will trailed off, sympathy present in his voice. Alex didn’t say anything before he ran off, originally heading in the direction of the bathroom but leaving the flat entirely instead. He heard footsteps following him at first but he couldn’t tell if they were following him out of the flat and, eventually, out of the apartment building.

Alex didn’t return until it was dark. He assumed either anyone that was following him had given up or got lost, as when he finally stopped running neither James, George, or Will were around.

Alex had spent the day aimlessly walking around London with nothing but a tenner in the pocket of his sweats. It was a blur, as he’d stumbled into the bathroom of a gift shop and purged, which is all he could really comprehend. He’d fainted no less than three times, to which passerbys either gave him odd looks or offered to phone medical services. Alex always ignored them either way.

Alex had decided to return home after he was kicked off of a park bench he’d passed out on. He went to sleep as the sun was setting, as he didn’t have enough money to rent a place and was far too anxious to return back home, and woke up when it was pitch black outside to a police officer shaking him. By that point Alex had stopped caring about whatever might happen when he returned home as all he wanted to do was to lay down on a soft mattress, get warm, and just go to sleep.

When Alex returned to his flat it was quiet; he didn’t hear any voices or anything moving around, so he assumed that Will and James must’ve left and George had retired to bed. As Alex hadn’t a clue how late it was, he assumed that it must’ve been late enough for everyone to give up on him.

Alex crept in the hallway, making his way to his room. As he passed the lounge he was reverted back into a state of panic at the sight of George sitting there with James fast asleep on one of the sofas.

“Did you purge?” George asked with a flat tone, staring directly at Alex. Alex stopped dead in his tracks, confusion and nervousness beginning to take over his brain.

“What?” Alex stuttered out, confusion painting his features. George’s remained the same.

“Did you purge, yes or no?” George asked again. Alex stared at him for a moment, considering his options, despite feeling as though he was on a time limit to answer the question with George looking so intently at him.

“Why?” Alex questioned in an attempt to buy time. George saw right through it.

“Alex.” George snapped. Alex hunched his shoulders, looking solemnly down at the wooden floor beneath his feet.

“Yeah, I did.” Alex admitted defeatedly. George sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his index finger and thumb.

“I can’t do this anymore, Alex.” George spoke up. Alex made eye contact with him again, confusedly cocking his head.

“What d’you mean?” Alex asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

“You’re ill. You’re really fucking ill and I- none of us- are trained to deal with this.” George stammered.

“What are you saying?” Alex asked again with assumptions quickly piling up in his mind.

“I’m saying you need help. Like- medical or professional help or whatever.” George said. Alex’s heart began speeding up in pace, palms becoming sweaty at the thought of what George was getting at.

“It’s fine, I can handle it.” Alex attempted persuasion.

“I’m sure.” George sarcastically remarked, sighing before continuing. “Look, we- Will, James and I- decided it’s best if you got proper help from a hospital.” George spoke slowly and with an apologetic yet decided tone.

“Hospital? George, I don’t need a hospital.” Alex gasped.

“Yes you do, you’re literally fucking dying, mate.” George explained.

“I’m not dying and I’m not going to a bloody hospital.” Alex told George with false confidence obvious in his voice.

“That’s beyond your control now. You’ve had chances to get better and, I’m really fucking sorry, but you’re too far gone.” George said, tone raising. James stirred in his sleep but neither Alex nor George seemed to care.

“I’m not going to a fucking hospital, George, I’m fine.” Alex stated, frustration beginning to bubble up in his chest.

“Fuck’s sake, this is exactly what I mean. You’re anorexic, you won’t fucking eat and you’re doing fine. Yeah, sure.” George retaliated angrily.

“I’m not anorexic, cunt.” Alex snarled back, all rational thought fleeing his brain.

“You are, though, mate!” George threw his hands in the air, exasperatedly. Alex saw James wake up suddenly out of the corner of his eye but ultimately decided to just ignore him.

“I am well fucking not! I’m my own person, I don’t need help!” Alex argued back.

“You do, though!” George borderline yelled.

“I do not!”

“You’re fucking sick, why don’t you understand that?”

“Will you two stop screaming at each other?” James spoke up out of nowhere, making both of the other men quickly stop bickering and look over at James. “Look, we’ll talk about this tomorrow as it’s probably four in the morning or something, but for now just shut up for god’s sake.” James demanded with a groan, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“But George says I need-”

“I said we’ll talk tomorrow.” James cut Alex off before he could finish. “Here, George you piss off to your room maybe. Alex, you stay with me.” James instructed.

“Why should I have to listen to you?” George complained.

“George.” James said sternly, staring George down until he eventually rolled his eyes, fumbling to push himself into a standing position and trudging off to his room.

When George had left the room James turned his focus on Alex again.

“Alex, here or bed?” James asked.

“Bed.” Alex responded, knowing that if what George told him was true he was going to be void of that privilege for awhile.

“Do you want me to sleep with you?” James asked, already standing up from the couch.

“Yes please.” Alex nodded and walked into his bedroom with James trailing a bit behind.

.

When Alex awoke the next day it was seemingly from the hushed yells from the hall right outside Alex’s open bedroom. He could only vaguely recall what had happened the next before, just that he and George had an argument involving his health and then him going to bed with James. Alex was half conscious trying to grasp onto what the voices from the hall were saying which annoyed him as his brain was refusing to process the words. From what he could make out though, they were referring to a specific person, which he tried not to assume was him as he didn’t want to seem self centered.

Alex, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep with the annoying hushed whispers, decided to get out of bed. Upon, standing up, Alex was met with a whoosh of cold air, and looked down to realize that at some point he’d stripped himself naked of everything but his boxers. He stared down for a moment, admiring the way his stomach caved in, hip bones so sharp against his skin you could cut someone with them. He looked down at the way his skin was pulled tight against his ribcage so that you could see it more every time he breathed, and the way his thighs didn’t touch even when he feet were together. It was sick, but Alex thought it was gorgeous.

Alex opted to just wrap a blanket around his shoulders instead of getting properly dressed. He sleepily made his way out of his room, turning to see James and Will bickering in the hall.

“It’s what’s best for- oh hi, Alex.” James said after noticing Alex had been standing there. Will looked over as well. Alex watched both of their eyes flicker down to the bottom half of his stomach and legs there weren’t covered by the blanket.

“Hello.” Will managed to choke out through his obvious shock at seeing Alex. In a twisted way, Alex liked how Will reacted; barely able to form a proper greeting.

“Is this like a family get together or something? Why’s everyone at my flat?” Alex questioned, choosing to ignore the other two’s reactions, or at least build up a facade that insinuated he was ignoring it or hadn’t even noticed at all.

“Just a little get together type before… you know…” James gestured with his hands. Alex was confused.

“Before what?” He asked.

“Do you not remember?” James asked. Alex shook his head and James furrowed his eyebrows and glanced over at Will who had a bit of a guilty expression painted across his features.

“What am I meant to remember?” Alex pointedly asked again.

“Y’know… about going to the hospital.” James reminded him. Alex remembered then. He remembered exactly what he’d argued with George about down to the syllable.

“I’m not going there.” Alex stated, pitch raised. Will shuffled his feet, coughing awkwardly a little and glancing at the lounge.

“Think I’m gonna go chat with George for now.” Will announced before walking away swiftly. James turned his focus from Will back onto Alex.

“I’m not going to a hospital, James.” Alex restated once Will was out of sight. James pursed his lips, offering Alex a sympathetic look that he certainly did not want.

“You just need to trust me, and everyone else, when we say that this is for the best.” James sadly smiled.

“I’m not fucking going, I’m better now.” Alex stated, feeling anger bubble in his chest. James sighed in response.

“Better my arse. Reckon if you keep going your heart will fail. There’s more to this than just being skinny. Your life's on the line here, mate.” James told Alex. Alex didn’t want to grasp onto the concept that he could be killing himself slowly, nor would he accept it. Instead of responding to that, Alex pushed past James and made his way into the lounge where George and Will were sat on opposing ends of a sofa on their phones.

Alex plopped himself down on an empty sofa, wrapping the blanket more securely around himself. George and Will both glanced up at Alex, eyes immediately trailing down to his achingly skinny legs that were pulled up to Alex’s chest. Just as Alex was beginning to get uncomfortable with the eyes on him, James walked in and promptly sat down right next to Alex, so close that their shoulders were touching. The mood in there was awkward and it just seemed to get worse as time passed. Unspoken words built up bricks of tension, shared thoughts radiating throughout, and all Alex wanted to do was make everything go back to normal again. Make it so he wasn’t being pitied and constantly having people worry about him.

Alex began to get up, planning on going back to bed as he was still tired, more than usual. James quickly put a hand on Alex’s knee though, preventing the younger from leaving. Alex sunk back into the sofa and looked down in shame. He could practically hear everyone judging him.

“I think we should talk.” James spoke, being the first hammer to the wall they’d built up of hesitance to speak on such a taboo topic.

“I’m not going.” Alex quickly responded, not moving his gaze from where it was focused on his hands.

“Alex, please.” George joined in, his voice desperate as he spoke the words. Alex felt a bit bad then. The last thing he wanted was to upset people more, though he assumed that’s just what he was good at.

“I can’t go. What about uploading and being with you lot?” Alex said, looking up to see that everyone was looking at him.

“It’ll be fine, we’ll figure something out, just please stop worrying okay?” James begged. Alex gnawed on his lip with nerves.

“I don’t want to go.” Alex restated weakly. Everyone in the room refused to look at Alex out of pure guilt and sympathy. Silence filled throughout, that familiar brick wall of hushed thoughts beginning to rebuild itself.

“We love you, yeah? Through anything.” Will assured, breaking cutting through silence after moments of no one being able to form proper words. Alex couldn’t be sure if he really believed Will. Who would want to be friends with a guy who’s so fucked up that he’s being forced to go to a hospital?

“I don’t know.” Alex sighed out. He was just so tired of having to lie and cover his ass to somehow protect himself. He just wished people would stop asking so many questions all the time, stop trying to pry into his brain.

“We do. You know that.” Will reassured. Alex stayed silent. 

“How long is it?” Alex asked. Will quirked an eyebrow.

“How long’s what?” Will questioned.

“The stay. At the hospital. How long is it?” Alex asked again.

“Er- depends, really, I guess.” Will answered, eyeing James in search of help for an answer.

“I reckon a week and some at the absolute best. That’s if you cooperate with the nurses and get to a healthy, or relatively healthy, weight.” James informed.

“And what if I don’t?” Alex further questioned.

“That depends as well. It’s all depends on how easy it is to recover.” James answered.

“So what? I could be stuck in there for a week or a year?” Alex asked, incredulously.

“Essentially.” James nodded. Alex brought a thumb to his mouth to chew on his nail nervously.

“Look, Al I know it’s scary-” George began.

“Yeah, it fucking is.” Alex interrupted him, glaring into George with a sudden burst of anger. How could George, or anyone, possibly know? None of them were ever in this situation, they weren’t.

“Alex.” James subtly warned Alex with a raise of his eyebrows. Alex could punch him but he decided to keep his mouth shut and his hands to himself, just looking back over at George with an irritated look in his eyes.

“It’s scary but it’s for the best. You’ll be fucking ecstatic once you’re better. You’ve just gotta hold on there, yeah?” George continued finally. Alex resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“I don’t need to get better, though, I’m fine the way I am now.” Alex whined.

“Yeah, skin and bones sure is fine.” Will piped in. Alex casted a glare his way.

“‘m not skin and bones, mate. Far from it.” Alex retorted.

“Alex, we can literally see your whole fucking ribcage. It looks painful, that.” George spoke up.

“Exactly that. Your brain’s deluded.” Will agreed.

“Fuck you guys.” Alex countered, voice cracking in the middle while tears welled up in his eyes and he quickly looked down and hugged his knees tightly against his chest. 

“Calm, love.” James soothed, placing a gentle hand on Alex’s shoulder. Alex didn’t lean into or away from the touch even if he preferred that James hadn’t touched him in the first place.

“When am I going?” Alex asked after a few moments of silence with James fingers rubbing cordial patterns into Alex’s shoulder.

“Tomorrow.” James answered lowly. Alex let the tears slip from his eyes, breath hitching while a painful lump grew larger at the bottom of his throat.

“Tomorrow?” Alex asked, desolately, voice wobbly and interrupted by little sniffles.

“Awh, Alex…” Will commiserated Alex, getting up to give Alex a short hug, assuring him that it would be okay.

“You’ll be okay. How’s about a collective film binge, yeah? Before you go.” James suggested.

“I guess, sure.” Alex accepted, sniffling and wiping his eyes, not daring to let the others see his face just yet.

Half an hour later and the four men were all sat together watching Wall-E. Alex curled up on James’ chest while Will rested his head on George’s shoulder. Alex could’ve sworn he heard someone crying at some point and if he weren’t in such a difficult position, emotionally, himself, he would’ve probably taken the piss out of whoever it was. For now though, he could only sympathise with whoever it was, whether or not it was the movie or him that caused their sorrows.

Alex’s day ended at just a bit past 10 PM, having spent several hours playing obscure board games with George after James and Will had decided to return home. For the first time, Alex and George shared a hug before retreating to their own bedrooms, both knowing what was ahead for Alex.


	5. пять

Alex was up earlier than he had been since his high school years. As he was set to be admitted to a section of a hospital specifically for eating disorders at 12 PM, he wanted to make the most out of his day before having to go. He still wasn’t really on board with going, in fact every time he thought about it his heart began racing and his mind began to viciously protest. That’s why he was doing everything in his power to just repress that knowledge for the time being.

Alex spent the morning playing a few rounds of FIFA, strewn in oversized onesie that felt several sizes larger than when he last put it on. George joined him in playing FIFA at roughly 10 AM, and James arrived at half past 11 to take him to the hospital. George tagged along and they all took the tube there. Alex was incredibly anxious, having already had two consecutive panic attacks all while James and George continued to try out tactics that might help distract him, including giving him headphones with a playlist of his favorite songs to block out other senses, carrying his luggage so he wouldn’t have to, and even resorting to tic tac toe at one point.

The three of them arrived at the hospital a few minutes before 12, Alex going into a trembling, cold sweat immediately when he walked through the hospital doors. A woman greeted them upon entering and James took it upon himself to fill out a few pages of paperwork seeing as Alex was far too shaky to even hold a pen and George was occupied with trying to calm him down in the slightest.

It wasn’t long before Alex was being swept away by a gentle nurse that bared a striking resemblance to an old german shepard. He left James and George with a simple wave, which he turned around too quickly to know whether or not was returned.

The same nurse from before showed him to his room which was a lot nicer than he expected. There was soft carpet on the floor, a singular bed in the corner right below a small window with white curtains drawn over it, a desk and chair in a corner and a dresser against another wall. Alex set his items down on the bed and listened while the nurse relayed information to him, most of which was too fast for him to understand but she gave him a little paper that said essentially the same thing so for that he was grateful.

The nurse left him to his own devices moments later. Upon her closing the door his breath picked up and his chest was squeezed full of anxiety. He shut his eyes and laid back on the plain mattress until the panic attack washed over.

Alex unpacked his things, laying out a duvet on his bed, messily shoving his clothes into a dresser, sticking two new notebooks and a few writing utensils in his desk. He didn’t bring much as he didn’t want to be reminded of this in the future when he looked back at the belongings he had in this room in the future.

Alex spent the following hour or so lounging around the room. He’d reread the paper the nurse, Nurse Diane, had given to him well over five times. In fact, he could probably list his whole schedule and the rules off the top of his head. 08:00 breakfast, 15:00 lunch, 19:00 supper, 22:00 sleep. Limited exercise, no bathroom for an hour after meals, disobeying nurses will result in consequences, etc. Alex thought it was all incredibly stupid; the overly specific rules and tight schedule.

The rest of he the day went as well as it possible could have for Alex. When lunch came around Nurse Diane gave Alex a pass since he’d just gotten here and it was going to be nearly impossible to convince him to eat anyways. Dinner was a bit more rough, though, as another nurse, that was probably three times his size, had attempted to get him to eat with gentle coaxes that turned into passive aggressive threats. He’d managed to resist long enough for the nurse to just let him go back to his room. He dreaded the day that the nurse would no longer hold her patience with him.

 

.

Alex had been in the hospital for three months when James received a call. It was around midday and he was out having a drink with Fraser when his phone rang with the cell number. He wasn’t too worried as he assumed it was just the hospital calling him to notify him that Alex’s leave had been cancelled again and that his visitation hours were either restricted or were removed for the weekend. James excused himself from the bar, quickly making his way into an empty bathroom and sitting down on the closed seat of a toilet.

The beginning of the call was normal, fact checking that it was in fact James they’d called, as he’d volunteered to be Alex’s primary caregiver since his parents weren’t available. Directly after, they dropped the bombshell on him. Alex had been sectioned.

James had to hold himself back from yelling at the poor woman on the other side of the phone. The mix of booze and anxiety in his chest was a mix that rarely existed, but for now it did.

The call ended quicker than James would’ve liked it to and by the end of it James just wanted to be home. James barely gave Fraser enough time to tip the bartender before he dragged the other out of the murky little pub, explaining to him through slurred words and an on-edge brain that Alex had been sectioned, much to Fraser’s surprise. James explained all that he could remember of what the nurse told him about Alex’s situation, as in some of the things they would be able to do against Alex’s will now.

On the train ride home James sent out a message to the group chat with him, Will, Fraser, George, and Alex in it (not that Alex would see), notifying the unaware two that Alex had been sectioned. George responded nearly immediately.

James: just got a call. they sectioned alex  
George: what??  
George: what for? that all they said?  
James: yeah  
George: call me  
James: will when i get back, wasted on a train at the moment mate

When James returned home he just barely managed to remember that George wanted to call him. With Fraser in the room and James just sober enough to successfully get George on the line, James did manage to have a conversation with George. Of course, James’ speech was slightly slurred and George wanted to know more than James knew so James would admit he did lose George a few times, but he pulled through.

James went to bed that night with a tight, sorrowful feeling tugging deep in his chest.

.

The very moment he was offered, James took up the opportunity to come visit Alex again. The ward had taken away Alex’s rights to have visitors, as he was refusing to cooperate with nurses, for a few weeks before he was sectioned and the weekend after. James couldn’t even tell you how long it’d been since Alex was actually allowed to come back to his flat for a weekend.

James invited only George to visit, as he was only allowed two visitors for the time being, to come with him to visit Alex. George had agreed before James could even finish his sentence.

When Saturday rolled around, George and James made their way to the hospital they’d grown so familiar with. It felt strange returning after having not been there for such a long time.

When George and James saw Alex they all exchanged drawn out hugs, mumbling how much they’d missed Alex. Alex smiled brightly at the two, leading them back into his room and jumping onto his messily made bed. James noticed how the room had more in it compared to the last time he’d been there; there were random papers spread out on the desks with encouraging words on them, more binders scattered throughout the room, papers hanging on the walls, it all made James just that much more happy.

The conversations here always started out a bit on edge and awkward but once they really got into things it’s as if they were all back in their respective flats just having a lively chat between friends.

“So… how have things been?” George asked. James had to resist against a wince. Alex just gave a pained looking smile.

“Shit. You?” He responded. George was silent for a moment.

“Um- fine?” George answered awkwardly and James really tried his best not to laugh at the tension in the room.

“Joy talking to you, mate.” Alex giggled. James really couldn’t put into words how warm his heart felt every time he heard Alex laugh and he doesn’t think he ever will be able to put that feeling into words.

“Meet anyone here then?” James asked.

“No.”

“What about Natty?” James questioned, recounting the time Alex shared with them about a really nice friend he’d made before his visitations were cut off.

“Got moved out like three weeks ago.” Alex answered with a sad smile.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” George said, James nodding too.

“‘s fine. I’m happy for him. Best thing you can do is get out of here.” Alex assured, though he himself was obviously upset about Natty having to leave, though he tried his best to stay genuine to his word.

“Speaking of which, when abouts are you meant to get out then?” James asked.

“Not a single clue, mate. Probably months from now. Maybe never.” Alex sighed.

“What do you mean never? They can’t hold you hostage in here ‘till you’re like 80.” George pointed out.

“If I die in here. I’ll never leave then.” Alex clarified.

“Don’t think they’ll let you die.” James argued.

“People have done it before. Why can’t I?” Alex argued back. James became worried for the direction of the conversation.

“Cause we need you, Al.” George answered for James, moving out of the desk chair he’d been sat in to sit down beside Alex on the other side of James.

“You do?” Alex asked, sounding unsure in himself. It broke James’ heart.

“Course we do.” George answered for both of them. Alex looked down at his lap, staying silent for a moment.

“I don’t think I’ll be out soon.” Alex said, reverting back to the previous topic.

“No?” James quirked an eyebrow.

“Things haven’t gotten any better and it’s been three fucking months.” Alex whined, raising his voice.

“But things will get better.” George added.

“Better for me and for you are two different things.” Alex glared. George frowned.

“Recover.” George clarified. Alex went back to staring down at his lap in denial. Silence ensued for what must have been five minutes.

“Are you happy?” James asked, finally releasing the question that’s been floating around his mind for the past few minutes. Alex looked up at him and squinted his eyes, thinking for a moment.

“No.” Alex answered, face stoic.

“At all?” James asked again.

“No. I’ve got nothing here. Everything’s been taken.” Alex sadly stated. “No friends, no making videos, no control. They took everything.”

“Surely not. You’re gonna have all of that back when you leave here, yeah?” George furrowed his eyebrows.

“Everything’s gonna be different, though.” Alex whined.

“No it won’t, you can’t possibly know that.” George pointed out.

“It will.” Alex snapped. “You don’t understand how hard it is to adjust to normal life after having been fed through fucking tubes and having several people on you everyday just so you’ll move. It’s shit and it honestly makes me wish I was dead.” Alex ranted, an emptiness present in his tone.

“Oh, Al.” James sighed out, speechless.

“You’re not… complying? At all?” George asked, concern washing over his face.

“I have to now. I’m on a section.” Alex mumbled.

“Didn’t you say you had tubes? Isn’t that already like a section?” George asked.

“That was to keep me from dying. Things are worse on a section.” Alex explained.

“As long as you’re getting better.” George tried to lighten up the conversation.

“Section 3 of the mental health act, I can be detained and treated against my will. I’m losing all control; it’s like things are just getting worse.” Alex’s voice broke at the end. “I’m tired of feeling like this. Like I need to control this shit even though I know in the end that power is going to be stripped away from me just like everything else. I’m losing control and it’s really fucking scary because even when I started to feel guilty about the weight loss, the control I had is what kept me going and now it’s fucking gone. It’s all gone.” At some point Alex had begun crying, finishing his rant through a mess of tears and hiccups, all while James rubbed his back and George nodded tentatively with a gentle hand on Alex’s knee.

“I’m sorry, Al.” George whispered, willing himself not to cry alongside Alex. “I wish things could be better for you. There’s nothing we can do now, though, it’s out of our control too.” George comforted.

“Yeah, it’s out of our hands now. But, hey, even though these next few months or weeks, or however long, are going to be absolute rubbish, once it blows over you’ll be really fucking glad. I, personally, cannot wait to see that day.” James smiled at Alex.

“Right, yeah. I don’t know. Everything’s just happening so quickly. I can’t be sure of much anymore.” Alex gave a forced smile, empty eyes boring into James in such a way that the elder could almost feel Alex’s hopelessness creeping into himself; but he needed to stay positive- for Alex.

“Just means you’ll get better quicker, hear?” George grinned.

“I don’t think I’ll get better.” Alex responded in a defeated voice. George’s grin faltered and for the millionth time that day he felt his heart shatter.


	6. шесть

“Alex, f-” A nurse began to speak before halting her words upon seeing the two other males in the room with Alex. “Oh hello. Sorry, but visiting hours ended about five minutes ago.” She apologised.

“Oh shit, yeah, sorry.” James spluttered. Both George and James both sprung up, leaning down to give Alex a little side hug and wave him off before rushing out of the room. Alex was left feeling emptier than before, damn near completely devastated knowing that’s the last time he would see his friends for a very long while.

“Right, it’s lunch now, and we’ve changed your schedule up just a bit to fit it in with your section.” The nurse from before, Nurse Penchant, informed. Alex bit his lip, tapping his fingers nervously against his knee.

“Didn’t they just get it settled yesterday? Do I have to start today?” Alex fired questions that he knew would ultimately lead him nowhere- at least nowhere that he wanted.

“Yes, yes you’ve got to. Come on then, to the lunchroom.” Nurse Penchant began leading her way to the little cafeteria, Alex following about a metre behind.

Lunch didn’t blow over easy. Alex was provided a tray of carrots, bread and meatloaf and alongside that sat a fruit drink that was equal in the amount of calories as the tray of food was. At first Alex had denied the food, pushing the tray away several times and pleading with the nurse, trying to make a promise he wouldn’t keep, but she was just as persistent as he was.

Nurse Penchant would remind him of how he had been sectioned, meaning that they could restrain him and feed him, whether that be through a tube or not. Alex argued back, making points that sounded deluded when spilled from his lips; even Alex himself recognized that.

In the end Alex had caved, drinking about half of the fruit drink in a little under two hours. Nurse Penchant had attempted to persuade him into drinking more but he flat out denied it. Nurse Penchant congratulated him and sent him on his way with a smile all while Alex could practically feel his life, his beloved control, slipping through the holes in his fingers.

The meal he ate at dinner was the last one he’d have on his own terms. The next day he’d revolted, keeping his mouth clamped shut and his eyes fixed on the nurse in front of him. After that he’d ended up being force-fed, several members of staff restraining him while they kept his mouth open and poured the drink down his throat. Alex was fighting them at first, kicking and screaming and struggling so much that they had to get around five nurses just to hold him down. Somewhere halfway Alex had just given up, weakly pulling against arms holding him down and letting silent tears roll down his face.

Things went on like that for a few more days before the hospital decided that Alex’s food intake wasn’t nearly enough and he isn’t gaining any weight. The nurses told him several times before that he couldn’t survive at the rate he was going at, that no grown man could survive at only 38 kilos and he would be dead soon if he didn’t comply, but Alex continued to refuse the food and, so, he was put on a tube in addition to the force-feeding sessions.

Alex had been put on the tube before, but only once, and it was when he’d fainted for nearly 20 seconds and was barely strong enough to tell the nurses he was too weak to move. They’d hooked him up to a feeding tube when he was able to stand again and, even then, Alex was far too out of it to even process what was happening.

For four months straight Alex was fed like that. He found that each day it didn’t get easier like he hoped it would. He found himself losing control, like it was slipping out of his grip slowly but surely, and then all at once. He couldn’t even see how much he weighed when he was on the scale anymore. He didn’t control what he ate or how much of it he ate, he couldn’t control when he’d wake up and when he’d go to sleep, he couldn’t control when he got to talk to his mates. He felt like he was free falling except he didn’t remember the beginning and was terrified that everything could become much worse at any moment, like he was waiting until he reached the bottom of that pitch black hole so it could swallow him up and ruin him.

On the eighth month, Alex was taken off the tube. He’d began eating meals himself and when he couldn’t do it on his own accord he wouldn’t struggle when a nurse or two did it for him. He was ecstatic about hearing the news that he would no longer have to suffer through having a needle jabbed into his arm every other day and having to sit through knowing what it was doing to his body.

Sometime during the eighth month he overheard a few doctors talking about taking Alex off his section. He perked up immediately, but scrambled away as to avoid being caught listening in on staffs conversations. Alex ate all that was on his plate that night and sure didn’t miss that shimmer in the surroundings nurses eyes. He slept easy that night.

Alex was officially taken off his section half a month later. Once he actually began to eat on his own terms he found that his chest would no longer squeeze in panic and that the thoughts that whirled around in his brain every time he took a bite were muffled to the point of being barely comprehensible deluded rubbish.

Alex was allowed leave the following weekend after being taken off his section. He approached his flat, hands going cold as ice with nerves. He barely got to turn the door handle before it was being swung open and he was wrapped up in more than just one pair of arms. Alex was frozen in shock for a second but managed to will himself to hug back, even if he had no idea who he was hugging as his head was buried in the torsos of several people.

He found himself sinking comfortably back into his life at home that weekend. To be fair, he was a little overwhelmed with having George, James, Will and Fraser all together with him, but he was honestly just more happy than not. They’d taken him out to a few places but most of the time they just stayed at each other’s flats. Alex knew the moment George commented on how much healthier he was looking that he was beginning to recover, as he didn’t have a single second thought about what that meant. He just smiled at George and wrapped him in a swift embrace.

Alex was back in the hospital at 6 AM sharp. He felt a longing to be back home where he knew his friends were waiting for him again and he could feel himself becoming a bit more paranoid that he’d end up having to stay in the hospital for another eight months. He only wanted to recover fully so he could go back to the way things were. He didn’t want to have to worry about calories or his weight or when he’d next be restrained. He just wanted to wake up at 12 PM and go to bed whenever he pleased, he wanted to be able to record and upload videos and interact with his followers. He wanted to spend time with his friends and ask how they were doing or play shitty board games that were missing several pieces. And in order to do all that, he would have to get better.

Alex spent the following month in hospital, eating his meals and doing his best to be better and just accept himself for the way he was. The nurses saw how much better he was doing. The doctors saw it, his therapist saw it, hell, even the other patients saw it.

On the first day of the tenth month, Alex was officially discharged from the hospital. James was waiting in a Uber for him when he walked out, hands full of bags containing precious and difficult memories. James wrapped Alex in a tight hug upon him entering the car, pressing a kiss to Alex’s cheek who smiled sheepishly and let James have at it. 

Back at home, Alex had a difficult time adjusting to his old, now slightly altered, schedule. For starters, he kept waking up at 7 AM and felt unable to fall back asleep. Then, he had trouble with meals, as he wasn’t at risk for being put on a feeding tube or having latex fingers shoved in his mouth while a drink was painfully poured down his throat. George usually was able to coax him into eating, and on the off chance just had to call James over and that usually did the job.

Besides the schedule issues, Alex readjusted to normal life pretty well. He woke up at a rational time, in his opinion, attended his therapy sessions on Monday and Friday, ate regularly, took his meds and was sure to pay a visit to the ones he loved at least every other day. He explained why he had fallen off the face of the earth for ten months in a sit down video, mostly glossing over the extreme bits like his weight and how he was force fed, to which he received mostly lovely messages in response.

The relapses and generally struggling to readjust played a massive part in how Alex felt after being released. Though, in time, Alex knew he would be better, maybe not fully, but a lot more than he was. Soon, he’d be able to take off his shirt without being insecure or maybe eat a whole meal in front of others. He’d be better soon; he, an everyone else, knew he would.


End file.
